


Crimson Sakura

by Yrindor



Series: Of Cherry Blossoms and Shadows [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Cutting, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 12:39:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2151057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yrindor/pseuds/Yrindor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While alone in his office one night, Byakuya struggles to keep his thoughts under control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crimson Sakura

**Author's Note:**

> CW: this fic centers around anxiety attacks and self-harm.
> 
> Bleach and all associated characters and events belong to Tite Kubo.

The sun was already beginning to set when the last unseated officer left, leaving Kuchiki Byakuya alone in the silent Sixth Division offices. Not that the day had been much different, he had to admit. News of his refusal to intercede on Rukia’s behalf and his battle with Renji had spread quickly, and the day had been filled with near-constant fearful glances from his division. Under normal circumstances, such behavior would have been cause for an immediate lecture on the proper behavior due to a superior, but today with Aizen dead, Rukia awaiting execution, and the Soul Society in chaos, the looks had felt inconsequential and he let them slide, which only served to further unsettle his men. The day had passed in a fearful, tense silence, and Byakuya breathed a silent sigh of relief at finally being alone.

Though the day had been anything but normal, he intended to end it as he always did, sitting at his desk with a fresh cup of tea and clearing the last of the day’s paperwork. But tonight, despite his best efforts, he could not focus through the thoughts swirling in his head. He had promised Hisana he would protect her sister, and promised his parents he would uphold the family honor, but with the two now in direct opposition to one another, which did he honor? He had taken an oath as a captain of the Gotei 13 to protect the Soul Society, but with its commanding officers turning on one another, what was protecting and what was destroying? He continued chasing the questions in circles, unable to find any way to resolve them, and the voices accusing him of failure grew louder.

As darkness fell and the moon rose, images began to join in the thoughts. Rukia sitting in the Senzaikyū awaiting execution. Renji bleeding and nearly dead from Senbonzakura’s blades. Aizen’s body displayed on a wall. Hisana dying and begging him to find her sister. The Sōkyoku ready to be unsealed. The images and accusations came faster and faster until he felt as if they might drown him, and he started to raise his arms as if to cover his eyes or ears in defense. He knew it was futile when the onslaught was coming from inside his head, but the reflex urge to defend himself was too strong.

As he moved, his left arm passed into the moonlight streaming through the window, the black sleeve of his shihakusho falling back to reveal the pale skin of his forearm. Byakuya froze, staring at his arm for a long moment as another internal battle raged, then slowly, he moved his right hand down to the hilt of his sword. “ _Chire, Senbonzakura_ ,” he murmured in a voice so quiet it was more thought than sound, and he felt a brief flash of displeasure from his zanpakutō that was quickly replaced by cold indifference. It was an ongoing source of tension between them; Senbonzakura did not approve but could not refuse his master.

Letting his left arm fall back to the desk, Byakuya raised his right hand, now controlling a single shard of Senbonzakura, and drew it across his forearm just below the elbow, watching the blood well up behind it, black in the pale moonlight. He did not flinch away from the sharp sting, and the voices demanding punishment for his failures accepted his atonement and fell silent. He continued to focus on the pain, letting his awareness of the sensation expand until it drowned out all the other thoughts in his head. Eventually, the pain receded to a dull throb, but his head remained clear.

A few minutes later, Byakuya wiped away the blood with his thumb, sealing the cut with just enough kidō to stop the bleeding; he would not risk unwanted questions. Rising from his desk, he discarded his still untouched tea, locked the doors to his division, and walked out into the empty, moonlit street looking as calm and unshakable as ever.


End file.
